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22nd February 200714th February 2007
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today is valentine's day...
i got up very early in the morning... things keep moving in my mind... i wanna sleep for a longer time... however, i could not... hence, i got back to school and study... however, i cannot concentrate... right now... i have i sense that i should withdraw my seating of soa exam... i am totally not ready for that... sigh... why i am so emotion... i am just too easy to get affected... i am not "de man"... my emotional character drives me not being "de man"... what i always think is... maybe one day, i have a serious one... then i will get better... omg... what i am doing... haha... why just dont take this relationship as a serious one... i donno... i wonder if i am loving her... maybe there is another reason my mind is out of control... anyway, it is true that she affects my study mood... it is a negative effect... a very bad one... -_- 4th May 2006
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May 1, 2006, you shut down your first xanga site (www.xanga.com/smilebo). i found that out once i woke up and checked on your xanga sites. i was so disappointed and frustrated. i guess it is another punishment for me again because of the understanding.
the xanga site means something for both of us. for me, it is the most frequently checking website. i checked it at least 10 times a day. the site means is somewhere we built up our relationship. this is a gift that you gave me. but now, you took it back without even noticing me. sigh... (Tbc)
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Monday, May 01, 2006
Yesterday, I clear my mind and shut down my first Xanga web site, the only thing that irritates me lately. I realize that having a blog online is a good thing only if you want to express yourself and let others know how's your life going. If it is a way to confuse others in certain way, then it's not a good way for communication. I wish the one who is still out of his mind will be awaken asap and wish everyone can be realistic and spend their energy on something that is really meaningful. Don't let yourself be addicted to a machine or your own distorted feeling ~~ as that's not the purpose of life~~ 22nd April 2006
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yup....
have not update for a while in this website... found something that i felt so depressed... 甜美生活 作曲：Maria Mena/Arvid Solvang｜填詞：李焯雄｜編曲：｜監製： 再少一點點零食 再多一點點堅持 再少一點點挑剔 我想我也可以 再多一點點美麗 再少一點點痕 再多一點點運氣 我就能靠近你 清晰 清晰甜美天氣 為自己呼吸 不只是寵壞你 清晰 清晰甜美天氣 永遠背別人的台詞 怎麼演好自己 ＃愛也許 嘗過了多餘的淚 才明白不值得回味 鹹鹹的傷悲＃ ＊再少一點點糖衣 再多一點點真實 再少一點點定義 我想我也可以 再多一點點心 再少一點點拉鋸 再多一點點嫉妒 我就能靠近你＊ 清晰 清晰甜美空氣 為自己呼吸 不只是寵壞你 清晰 清晰甜美天氣 連自己都嫌棄自己 誰會來愛你 REPEAT＃ 再少一點點拘泥 再多一點點堅持 再少一點點挑剔 我想我也可以 再多一點點美麗 再少一點點痕 再多一點點運氣 我就能靠近你 REPEAT＊ 再多一點點美麗 再少一點點稀釋 再多一點點驚喜 更貼近我自己 10th February 2006
: (Feb 10 - Friday)
this week, i should be better until the last moment of friday... it turns everything bad! i understood that elaine is my past that she will not come back to me. hence, i have to put my past experience down. later on, i found out that cindy is really a substitution of elaine that i dont really love cindy, but her shell. hence, after clearing my mind, i felt much better in the week... however, tonight, after finished shopping with cindy and the others, i drove cindy back to her apartment near UCLA. cindy's bf (i guess) was waiting for her right outside her apartment. cindy was surprised. she quickly ran up the stairs to meet her bf. because i think i should not stay for longer, i left. however, as i watched back through the rear mirror, i found that cindy went out with her bf. That is the most depressed moment of my week. cindy said that she was tired that we cancelled all the activities at night. cindy's gladful welcome of her bf (running up the stairs) shows me that cindy loves her bf very much. furthermore, cindy was energetic after meeting her bf. she showed her tiredness throughout the day. i also believe that cindy loves her bf more than her bf loves her. as a third party, how can my week go better after this moment. my happiness goes straightly downward. i keep telling myself - "Take it easy!" 30th January 200626th January 200624th January 2006
: (Jan 23 - Monday)
Finding this at the message of MSN... Hebrews 12:1 God Disciplines His Sons 1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. and the chinese version is 希 伯 來 書 12 1 我 們 既 有 這 許 多 的 見 證 人 ， 如 同 雲 彩 圍 著 我 們 ， 就 當 放 下 各 樣 的 重 擔 ， 脫 去 容 易 纏 累 我 們 的 罪 ， 存 心 忍 耐 ， 奔 那 擺 在 我 們 前 頭 的 路 程 ， i was confused by the Chinese version. hence, i called heidi asking her to explain to me... um... after talking with heidi, i have a more clear understanding of the passage... thx heidi, although i still have a little bit unclear... 11th January 2006
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haha...
just find out that it is really easy to find this journal from the talllight site. it is just too easy. i dont expect it is that easy to do so. maybe elaine has find this journal already. i donno. however, even though i am writing it secretly, i still want her to read it. so... anyway la, in livejournal, i have no way to know who is reading my journal. so even though elaine is reading it or not, i will not know unless she leaves a message under her name. 6th January 2006
: (Jan 05 - Thursday)
yeah, there is something missing in the Jan 05, 2006 post. i choose to write it here because i donno if i should tell elaine. i am not sure if she will be happy or unhappy after reading that post. the special event happened in the mobile store was jeremy and i met cindy and her bf when we were asking about the cell phone. it was just a coincident. cindy's bf is above what i expected. he is tall; and he was looked like an ABC. maybe i did not dress up well today, i did not turn my face long to them; therefore, i did not have a strong image. he looks a lot more strength than me also. we did not talk much because cindy just had to pick up a charger. however, we did not stay long also because the store did not have the new catalog and price. therefore, i decided to come back later in january. on the way to jeremy's uncle's home in alhambra, cindy's bf's car was just in front of us. they took the same way to jeremy's uncle's home. cindy's bf drives a BMW M3. it is an expensive sport car. that was special in the day. i did not give much comment about this to the others like johnny and jeremy. i told them that i have no more height advantage. and the others, i just let them say what they wanted to say. hence, what is my deepest thought? um... as i know cindy has a bf already, i tell myself that i should not chase her anymore... i dont want to break the other's relationship. hence, i just try to let cindy get interest on me. i will never tell her i have good image on her if she is still in the relationship. maybe keeping the present relationship with her that is just classmates is good for both of us. hence, after knowing cindy's bf a little bit more, there was nothing special for me. no matter how cindy's is, i will just let the thing goes naturally. yeah, i still have a long time with cindy studying in UCLA in the same classes... just dont want to make anything worse. 10th December 2005
: (Dec 10 - Saturday) in library
i am pending again!!!!!!!!!!!!! sigh... but the artress has changed... i suddenly hope that the quarter should be ended as soon as possible... maybe leaving LA; getting back to SF is the best way to diminish my feeling... i suddenly hope that there was another girl i will interest... anyway, i have the feeling that i can put elaine down... can i?!!! i always remind myself that i should not think too much... i should have more confident... however, who can boost my confident up... i am just a person who always expect something is going happen that is not good to me... why i always think that bad things always come to me... sigh... i need someone to share... someone i love to share... who will she be?! i should look for a new one from now... sigh!!!!!!!!!! cindy got back home at noon and she said her family bought her stuffs to UCLA... she only studied for an hour in the library... however, i think in a different way... haha... suddenly find out that she does not have to lie to me because i am just a study peer with her... nothing more... she has no excuse to lie me... unlike elaine... hope this will help me to relieve... -_- Current Mood:
 frustrated9th December 2005
: (Dec 09 - Friday)
i was pretty surprised to read elaine's entry in this morning at her "boyanhse" xanga... she said these: "Can "forgettable " be a reason for breaking promises? Or it should be catagorized in the "Excuse" section? I just don't understand why your close friend will try to hurt you by ignoring you. Although I was told some reasons that may lead to those "Mean" responses given to me lately, I am still confused~ What kind of friend am I to you? Or should I ask what kind of friend are you only looking for?? CONFUSED!!!??? Friendship problem can change your mood comprehensively~~" why people be mean sometime... mean is something showing people care the others or just want to ignore others... i hope that she did to me also in the care way... she did, however, she would do it again to me in this way... i only hope that she will not be mean to me in the other way... anyway... we are past tense... and she has her present tense... i should not still in the dream of the past tense... however, thx for reminding me that i have a "promise" - maybe it is a good constraint for me to stay away from the pity stuff of my present tense...
: (Dec 09 - Friday)
i was pretty surprised to read elaine's entry in this morning at her "boyanhse" xanga... she said these: "Can "forgettable " be a reason for breaking promises? Or it should be catagorized in the "Excuse" section? I just don't understand why your close friend will try to hurt you by ignoring you. Although I was told some reasons that may lead to those "Mean" responses given to me lately, I am still confused~ What kind of friend am I to you? Or should I ask what kind of friend are you only looking for?? CONFUSED!!!??? Friendship problem can change your mood comprehensively~~" why people be mean sometime... mean is something showing people care the others or just want to ignore others... i hope that she did to me also in the care way... she did, however, she would do it again to me in this way... i only hope that she will not be mean to me in the other way... anyway... we are past tense... and she has her present tense... i should not still in the dream of the past tense... however, thx for reminding me that i have a "promise" - maybe it is a good constraint for me to stay away from the pitty stuff of my present tense... 15th November 20055th November 2005
: Loving you is a promise?!
today, i wonder that the reason that i love you is keeping my promise. do you still remember that i have a promise that you are my only one in the five years?! i did consider to expand the period; however, i dont believe i can keep it if our situation is so cold now. um... however, it may also be the reason that i want to tell myself i should not love you anymore. i am afraid that this is not the reason that i keep loving you, but the truth that i really love you very much. sigh
: Which hiking spot do you recommand? (Wednesday, June 29, 2005)
actually, i am not a person who like hiking. i have never hiked in north america before. however, i would love to give my first time to you. in hong kong, i only hiked a maximum that once a year. i guess my favourite hiking spot is sai kung. i went camping there while i was taking the summer vacation in form 4. my school offered me to have a leadership training at Outward Bound. it was a one-week training, that included camping and sailing. i had a great time int he training that we sailed in the typoon signal number 8 was holding. we went hiking and camping in the rain. the reason i choose that spot because it gave me a valuable memory. i hope, there will be a day that we can go hiking and camping together. dont worry, i will be your map. do you still remember i told that to you before?! 30th October 2005
: What is Love?!
remembering you have asked a bunch of questions throughout the time when i was taking summer vacation in Hong Kong, i guess it is time for me to ask them one by one today. What is Love?! actually, i absolutely cannot verify that i am an expert, even have a chance to express my thinking. however, because you have asked this question, i should answer it by my own experience which is totally come from you - because you are the only one i am sure i love. maybe i should state a lot more my past love experience before mentioning our relationship. honestly, i had the sense of the existence of love while i was in Form one. there were several girls in my class that we usually hanged around with. however, at that moment, because i have lack of experience getting close to female, i just want to get closer to girls. however, it could not be called love. later on while i was in Form two, i guess that was my first time to fall in love with a girl. we were not in the same class. i had a positive feeling on her because she was an out-going girl. that was also the first time that i thought i was loving a person. i did not sleep well for a couple of days. i had a strong feeling that i should tell this to some of my closed friends. and i did. however, my friends did not keep it in secret but telling lots of ppl. once i knew that many of the schoolmates knew the news, i found that i was not more interested on the girl. also, at that moment, i found i am not loving anybody. after this, my love story was ended because i put lots of loads on the school activities. many of them questioned whom i loved. honestly, nobody. i even did not pay attention on that area. after i immigrated to the United States, i had only a few chances to communicate with girls. if you understand me well, you will find that i am those people who are very passive to know other people. i cannot find anybody that i actively made friends with. joana approached me when we were in math class. sigh. do you know that you were my biggest step. you gave me a great experience on love. you told me what love is. from the past 18 months, i experienced what love is. the following is just a little bit of my experience. while i miss you everyday and every night, I LOVE YOU. while i care what you are doing and thinking, I LOVE YOU. while i want you to be happy, I LOVE YOU. while i have a secret, and you are the only one i want to share with, I LOVE YOU. while i have an idea, and you are the first one i want to share with, I LOVE YOU. while i am happy that i want to share this feeling with you, I LOVE YOU. while i am sad; however, i dont want you to be worried about me, I LOVE YOU. while i put all you photos and pictures on both the wall paper and screen saver, I LOVE YOU. while i miss you so much that i cannot have good sleep for days and nights, I LOVE YOU. (TBC) Current Mood:
 loved28th October 2005
: what a surprise is?!
this morning, as usual, check everything on the web. while i read the messages from friendster, i found there was a message from htet htet: From: Htet Htet Date: Friday, October 28, 2005 3:44:00 AM Subject: Gordon, meet Elaine! Message: Hi Gordon, Htet Htet would like to introduce you to Elaine and pair the two of you up for friendship. An introduction message has also been sent to Elaine - check out Elaine's profile below. A personal message from Htet Htet: - Htet Htet Htet Htet would like you to meet: Elaine Female, 23, Single Location: San Francisco, CA View Elaine's Full Profile isn't it a surprise in a brand new day. i wondered if you share everything with htet htet or she is just trying to help us to become friends again. what will you do once you receive this message?! Current Mood:
 surprised27th October 2005
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halloween is coming...
wondering what i had done on the past four halloween... the most memorable was that day i went to castro with brandy, joana, and others... however, you were not there... i really want to go with you! i never be to great america... however, i treasured the time we went to magic mountain 18 months ago. however, i guess the period we had 18 months ago would not appear again... do you think we still have chance to meet each other in our future?! 23rd October 2005
: 最好的東西是在你最預計不到的時候出現
these two days, i was so depressed... because i wondered if i am loving two people - you and your clone - in the same time... i wondered what should i do... am i hungry for love?! however, studying in the library in the afternoon, i found out the reason why i was so depressed... living with a couple really hurts my spirit sometimes that i want to get a partner also... however, studying in the library tells me that i am not the only one alone... there is still lots of people study alone... i was pleased to see may people in the library on sunday... i am no more depressed from what i was thinking for a couple of days ago... i have to live happily even though i know that i will not meet you in a very short period of time. when i got back home in the evening, i found that i received the following message from a friend i have no contact for years... maybe it is really ture for me... maybe in this moment... 小心讀每一個，再用一兩秒想一想 我愛你不是因為你是誰， 而是我在你面前可以是誰。 沒有男人或女人是值得你為他流眼淚， 值得的那一位，不會要你哭。 那人不是你所想般愛你， 但不代表那人不是全心全意地愛你。 一個真正的朋友是向著你伸手， 觸動你心靈的人。 掛念一個人最差的方式， 就是你坐在他身旁，而知道你不能擁有他。 就算你不快樂也不要皺眉， 因為你永不知道誰會愛上你的笑容。 在世界裡你可能只是某人， 但對某人你可能是全世界。 不要花時間在一個不會花時間在你身上的人。 可能神要我們在遇到那位對的人之前先遇上一些錯的人， 讓我們遇到那位對先生/對小姐時懂得珍惜。 不要因為完結而哭，要為曾經發生而微笑。 這個世界永遠也會有一些傷害你的人， 你要做的就是繼續去信人和小心你下次信的人。 在你嘗試了解其他人和盼望其他人明白你之前， 先把你自己變成一個更好的人和了解你自己。 不要太努力去找， 最好的東西是在你最預計不到的時候出現。 如你把這個發給八個人或以上你便會有八年的好運。 如這個給發回給你你便是一個真正的朋友... ...
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honestly, i think i really love you very much, EP!
however, sometimes, i wonder if i should just let you go. let you to get your happy one. i guess you still know that i always want to hear things about you. maybe because of this, you are so unhappy that always brother you. do you remember my promise?! i just donno if i should break my promise, as a way to show my love, or i should keep my promise, or even extend the period of promise. i am so depressed now. i need supports from you. i am very lost now. 22nd October 200517th October 2005
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it rains heavily today in Los Angeles.
my heart, like the weather, is very bad. i did not have a great sleep last night. maybe it was because of the storm. however, it may also because of my health issue. my heart has some irregular heart beating. even though it was not a pain for me, it annoyed me. this afternoon, i sat in the library and wondered... i counted the day that up to today, it has already been 564 days. however, the total number of days of our happiness is only 10 days. i have tried a lot of ways to make you happy in these 554 days. i always make things in the opposite way. even though we are separated now, my heart is still not belonged to me but you because the 10 happy days are still the most memorable days in my life which i would never forget. even though we have not been talked for months, you are my motivation to continue writing my diary with my heart because i always remember that there was somebody appreciated by my diary. however, why i continue to write something like this in my secret diary?! it is just because i dont want you to share my upset that will cause you feeling bad... these days, i wondered that this year is just like the year like two years ago when you were going to transfer, and i was still studying in CCSF. and today, this year, you are going to graduate from university, and i am still studying in university. even thought we were separate apart far far away, i still miss you a lot! i just donno what i am talking about. i know i should not post this entry... but my mind has been made up. sigh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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melancholy